To health!

So I did the cleanse for two days, I woke up this morning after going grocery shopping last night and realized that I'll be cooking all day today (didn't have time yesterday, so many errands to run!) so I figured I'd end up eating something I cooked today. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I'll be making healthy foods.

For breakfast I had a banana, a handful of almonds, and some corn flakes in soy milk.

Today will be a busy day since I need to cook and do laundry and clean.

But, cooking is the #1 priority. I bought a bunch of new tupperware!!!!! Let's do this!

Also, as far as me finding a more intuitive way to eat...I've decided to stop eating when I sigh. I KNOW that's when I'm full, I'm doing this deep sigh to make room for more food. No more stuffing myself, when I sigh, I'm DONE. No matter how much or little is on my plate.

A difficult year....

I wish I hadn't had such a difficult year. I wish I hadn't abandoned this blog and myself in the process.

As you can see from my ticker I've gained all my weight back.

Well, it's time to start over.

Today is day two of a juice/raw food cleanse that I plan to do for 3 days. (Basically while I"m off work). Joey bought me some tupperware, and I plan to spend today and tomorrow bulk cooking. I'm going to freeze a TON of stuff to take to work for lunch. Lunches at work are costing me about 100$ per month and countless pounds. When I worked part time it was so easy. But now....at work I don't bring food, so I eat pizza, then I come home and I'm just exhausted and I want to eat and not have to clean up a mess, so I eat out, probably something fried and unhealthy.

Well, as of yesterday, that is stopping. My fibro is really getting to me with this weather and all the gluten and dairy I'm eating. Hence the cleanse, I just need all that crap out of my system. So far so good. No better day to start than nye in my opinion. A new start for a new year.

I feel like I've let my readers down. I just disappeared. It was so hard to struggle publicly.

But here I am. Completely willing to struggle publicly. We all have been there I'm sure. I've gained and lost these same 80 lbs a few times now. I know that tracking works, but I also know I don't want to track forever. (obviously) as I always stop and gain weight back. So I need to find a way to eat more intuitively, naturally. So I can do it forever. If it doesn't work I'll go back to tracking.

I plan to try to maybe at some point go back to therapy, this time for eating issues. For now if you have any recommendations for books to read on the issue of overeating I"d appreciate it if you'd leave the title in my comment section.

I miss you guys, or: Weight gain and obstacles

Wow. It's been since MAY. and before May, I was already struggling.

I've had some issues. For one, I switched birth control. I was trying out one of those ones where you only get it every 3 months. I was getting mine every 6 weeks. It just wasn't working. It also gave me the worst PMS style cravings every minute of every day. If I could have eaten a deep fried, chocolate covered, ice cream topped pizza every day I would have. It was pretty awful.

Then, to make matters worse, I went back on lyrica (weight gainer). I stayed on it way past the point where it actually worked. I stopped being gluten free and I even ate dairy because my pain had gotten better. Now my pain is back, the drug isn't working, and it never EVER worked as well as being gluten free and vegan did.

Also, I was searching for my first full time job since 2005 when I went on disability. I have now worked my way OFF disability and have gotten a new full time job as an optician. I'm VERY happy at my job. It's great. :) It took months of stress and (stress eating) and searching and SEARCHING to find my new job but I finally have.

Now, I'm settled at work, I switched back to my old birth control, and I'm currently weaning myself off of the lyrica, and have a job with a fridge and a microwave. I made a big batch of vegan chili last night, went grocery shopping and bought plenty of gluten free pasta, rice, gf flour, veggies and fruits and tofu and I am READY and willing to get back on track with my gluten free/vegan diet. I have gained so much weight with all these issues. I can not wait to get back to where I was. I didn't gain it all back, but it was getting to be a little too close for comfort.

Now, I've put all the building blocks I need in front of me and have removed my worst obstacles. It's time to get on track and stay there!

Fluvia Lacerda....or, life's short, have fun.

So I just read this post about 'letting it all hang out' in the summer, by Fluvia Lacerda, a Brazilian plus size model. She. Is. Gorgeous.

First, let me say, my 'thinspiration' pics are always plus size models. I have no desire to be skinny. I want to ROCK my curves.

Anyhow, this is what the lovely Fluvia Lacerda looks like:

So she writes this blog post about how you should accept your fat body and don't care about the judgements from other people, etc, etc. I'm thinking to myself, she looks amazing, who is judging her? Then I google her and find a 'celebrity weight gain' site that is talking all kinds of smack on her 'chunky arms' and her 'expanding waistline'. I want to cry. Seriously. If you can look like THAT and still get insulted by these people (who are the equivilant to me, of frat boys yelling "fat bitch" at me from their porch) then I just hate this world. 

I ASPIRE to be as 'fat' and 'chunky' as Fluvia! I'm currently a size 20, she is a size 16/18......this is me when I was a size 16, on the right:

So, sometimes I'm my own inspiration, sue me. When I was a size 16 I wanted to lose 30 more lbs, but looking back I was really happy with myself. I will probably still aspire to get down to 190, but honestly, at 220 lbs I was thrilled with how I looked. 

I love Fluvia's blog post, but it doesn't really apply to me. I go out in a swimsuit, I have a thick skin. But it reminded me of when I didn't. When my shopping options were cut short because I was too terrified to wear a sleeveless type top. You would NOT have caught me in that dress above in 2001. I thought to myself, I don't have the RIGHT to wear something like that, I don't have the RIGHT to punish people by making them look at my stupid fat arms!

WHAT?!

I think I remember the first sleeveless shirt I wore. It was a layered tiered type bright red number. It had arm holes and all but the 'sleeve' stopped at the shoulder. I was terrified when I left the house. Every step I took through brotown was so scary, I was just waiting for someone to yell something nasty at me, the frat boys were almost always good for that. The day though, was uneventful. I was just another fat girl showing off her fat arms and no one looked at me twice about it. 

I know that some of you still feel this way, you haven't got the thick skin. But I say build that skin up because no matter what, you will never be good enough for SOMEONE. Someone out there will try and tear you down, don't let them. Life's short. Have fun. 

If you like my blog, plz follow! Thanks. :)

A strange peace...

Well, I'm still losing!!!! I will update my ticker once a month after my study appt. But just wanted to let you know that I'm back in the game and still going strong!

Tonight will be about a week and a half on Lyrica. I'm feeling good. I plan to do yoga tonight. It will be my first time doing it in a long time. But once I get off here I am going to go ahead and get to it!

Tonight for dinner I made gluten free, vegan spinach alfredo. Yum! Be sure to check out my recipe here: "Nothing to say but Mmmm", vegan alfredo

There is a strange peace in not struggling with your emotions and motivation (or lack thereof) or you're willpower or whatever it is you want to call it. I feel truly hopeful for the first time in over a year. I just can't believe the difference coming off that bc made. Thank you portia! It's much better. 

Anyhow, I'm off to do some yoga! Might go for a walk later too if joey doesn't get home too late. 

On being normal

Before I say anything else let me just say...

I used to use blogger because I hated wordpress.

Now bloggers interface is a bit more like wordpress.

HATE!

ehem...

Anyhow...I'm doing good. I'm still on plan, exercising, I've started taking lyrica and working more hours. Things are going well. The pain is bad sometimes, tear inducing honestly, but...I hope the lyrica kicks in full force in the next few weeks as I increase the dose and I can start feeling better.

I am doing my pt. I'm eating well. I've been taking a banana and nuts with me to work for lunch and staying AWAY from the pizza place. I think I Should start juicing in the morning and taking it to work with me to drink throughout the day.

Oh btw, I had made a post a few weeks back about wanting to go to cedar point. I am an idiot. I can't go to cedar point because amusement park rides DESTROY MY BODY. When I went to kennywood last year I could only stay a couple of hours and it was so painful that evening/the next few days. No WAY could I ride for two days straight. Not sure what I was thinking.

Oh yeah, I was thinking that I'm a normal person without stupid barriers to doing normal things that other perfectly normal people do. Sorry, I'm frustrated. I just wish I could do things sometimes without thinking, how is this going to affect my body? Will I pay for this activity later on? If so, how much?  I just deleted a bunch of stuff I had written. It sounded so whiny.

Let's shorten my whining:

I have disabilities, physical and mental and they annoy the living piss out of me.

The end.

/pout

Owning up

I've been struggling with coming here and writing this blog.

I have been steadily gaining weight since last August. I had originally lost 80 lbs and I gained 50 of that back. I was miserable.

I've finally gotten on track for realz and have lost my first 10 lbs. I will be adjusting my ticker to reflect what's really going on.

I'm not entirely sure what happened. I mean...I ate too much. Yup.

But why? What derailed me and what kept me off track? What got me back on track? How do I figure out how to make these backsliding episodes shorter and further in between? I am now at 40 lbs lost. Augh. I just keep telling myself I did it before I can do it again, and then some.

I think what originally derailed me was work. I had started working almost full time hours last august-october, it eventually proved too much for me fibromyalgia wise, but during that time I was under a lot of stress and spent a lot of time at work, I didn't bring my own food and the only things near me were not the healthiest options. I struggled with eating gluten and dairy (of course I'd eat the worst thing for me, pizza.)  which was bad for me pain wise and waistline wise.

I stopped exercising because I was working two jobs and when I got home I just wanted to crash.

How do I keep this from happening again? I am in line for a new job. One where I can sit so I can work more hours and it won't bother my fibro so badly. I plan to BRING FOOD to work. I have to. I always want to, but I HAVE TO. Anyhow...if I can't bring food, the place I will be working is right near a restaurant that offers vegan/healthy foods for the days that I don't bring food. There is NO PIZZA place near by. whew.

I've been walking in the evenings with joey again. I've been tracking on sparkpeople and sticking to a 1600 cal diet. I'll probably reduce it to 1500 cals once I lose another 10-20 lbs.

I have been feeling a little beaten down.. But now, I'm feeling positive. I think I REALLY needed to lose this 10 lbs so I could feel like it was possible. It felt so IMPOSSIBLE for awhile. Like such an uphill struggle.

I also realized I need to do something about my emotional eating. I had it under control for awhile but then stress came a' knockin' and I turned to food. Recently I won a battle with emotional eating and hopefully that  will build momentum.

I hope everyone is doing well and hope that you all got to the end. There is hope. I always try, at the very least, I never stop trying, so I haven't failed, not yet.